Do fights with your partner devolve into low blows, rude remarks, or petty name calling?
Maybe you keep having the same fight again and again, without coming to any satisfying conclusion. Or maybe you both feel blamed or criticized and shut down.
Being in a relationship means figuring out how to settle disagreements in a way that respects both you and your partner’s needs and rights. Learning to fight fair is a skill that will benefit your relationship for years to come.
If you need a better way to settle disputes, here are actionable tips to help you fight fair so you can resolve your arguments without ruining your relationship.
Have an “adult” time out
Most people tend to resist taking time outs since as kids, they were used as punishment. Adult time outs are meant to be a preventative measure to ensure you and your partner don’t lose your cool.
The key is setting up parameters ahead of time by agreeing on how time outs are called, how long they will be, and what each of you will do during that time. This sets up expectations and prevents time outs from being reactive punishment or a form of avoidance.
Research shows it takes about 20 minutes to calm down when you’re upset. Start with setting a 20-minute timer to see if this is long enough to come back together and calmly discuss whatever’s going on.
Quick tip: try not use this time to stew about what a jerk your partner is! Use it to engage in a relaxing activity and bring down your energy levels so you can come back ready to talk.
Don’t make threats
Whether or not you’re considering breaking up, the middle of a fight isn’t the right time to bring it up since this is usually a way to manipulate someone else into complying with your wishes.
If you have been considering a break or breaking up, it’s better to wait until you’re both calm and can have a thoughtful discussion. Although it’s tempting to use this threat as a wake-up call, it’s not a healthy way to express your dissatisfaction.
If one of you brings up a threat during fights, it’s important to set a boundary around it. “If either of us uses the threat of breaking up during a fight, we’re going to call an immediate time out for 20 minutes.”
Don’t ignore your partner
While the silent treatment can be satisfying, it’s detrimental to healthy communication – one of the cornerstones of sustainable relationships.
If you’re not ready to talk about something, let your partner know you need more time and set a date to discuss. Don’t leave them hanging or withhold communication because you’re angry. Commit to whatever time you scheduled, whether you feel ready or not. And let your partner know if there’s anything you need from them in the meantime.
If your partner tends to do this, you can set a boundary by telling them you’ll give them space to process whatever they’re upset about and that you’d like them to come to you when they’re ready. In the meantime, try resuming normal activities so you’re not pressuring them nor being held emotionally hostage.
Don’t bring up unrelated issues or deflect
Deflecting to other topics when you feel threatened is a really common defense strategy, and one that can derail any chance of productivity or resolution. While it can be tempting to distract your partner with “what about this thing you did?!”, it’s not a helpful way for either of you to bring things up.
If your partner does this, redirect back to the issue at hand while still validating their concerns: “I hear that this other concern is important to you. Let’s resolve this specific issue first and then I want to hear your thoughts on this other topic so we can get it resolved as well.”
Make sure you both stick to one issue at a time. An argument isn’t the time to deflect or feel self-righteous if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.
Research also shows that it’s not just the way you fight, but also the way you repair that ultimately makes the difference.
Here are some simple ways to make a solid repair after a fight that can help strengthen your relationship:
- Acknowledge your part in contributing to the disagreement or issue at hand. You don’t need to take on anything that’s not yours, like responsibility for someone else’s feelings or behaviors. Simply acknowledge your side.
- Apologize for behavior, not feelings. If your behavior sucked, focus your apology on your behavior without any justifications or excuses. Your feelings were and are valid, but sucky behavior isn’t cool. Acknowledge the feeling that led to your behavior and hold yourself accountable to behave differently next time.
- Be willing to hear your partner’s side. Even if it’s upsetting or uncomfortable, give your partner the space to express themselves so you two can repair.
Learning to give a sincere, heartfelt apology is crucial for sustainability. Get out of an unnecessary power struggle by seeing it as a win-win to acknowledge only your side and let your partner do the same.
Some final thoughts
Remember that in any argument, there’s always at least a few shared goals: to feel respected, to feel heard, and to find a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
It can be hard to resist getting into an aggressive fight mode, especially if your partner does as well. If this tends to happen, try to remember what’s most important to you. Catch yourself by pausing, reflecting, and then redirecting back to the issue at hand.
Decide ahead of time what a fair fight looks like so you and your partner can create shared expectations for future disagreements!
